Some good & awful Xmas jokes

[Mike Strand]

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Why do all the other reindeer have brown noses?
The three stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts!"

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer?
Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.

A reason Santa has to be a man: No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why does Santa wear red underwear?
He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.

Why does Santa have such a big sack?
'Cuz he only comes once a year.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
He likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

What do African-Americans and Christmas trees have in common ?
They both have coloured balls.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!"

[Happy in Cyprus]

One from me:


No Nativity scene at Westminster this year .......

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's House of Commons this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason - they simply have not been able to find three wise men in there.

The search for a Virgin continues....

However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.